Reclaiming Your Personal Power: Reflections on The Let Them Theory -48

NOTE:

We feel it is important to make our podcast transcripts available for accessibility. We use quality artificial intelligence tools to make it possible for us to provide this resource to our audience. We do have human eyes reviewing this, but they will rarely be 100% accurate. We appreciate your patience with the occasional errors you will find in our transcriptions. If you find an error in our transcription, or if you would like to use a quote, or verify what was said, please feel free to reach out to us at connect@37by27.com.

Marli Williams [: 00:00:04

Hey, everybody. What is happening? Welcome back to the Marli Williams podcast where this week, I'm bringing you something a little different. I just finished reading an amazing new book called the Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. And I am going to be sharing some of my favorite excerpts, quotes, thoughts, reflections, and insights. If you are reading this book, feel free to, you know, chime along. And if you haven't read the book or heard of it, I hope that you walk away with some really amazing golden nuggets that you can bring into your life. So here is my book review of the Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. Enjoy.

Marli Williams [: 00:00:42

Hey, everyone. What's happening? I am super stoked to thought provoking insights, expert interviews, and actionable strategies to unlock your potential as a leader, facilitator, and speaker. Thank you for joining me on this journey of growth, transformation, and impact. Let's lead together. The Marli Williams podcast begins now. Let's dive in.

Marli Williams [: 00:01:25

I am coming to you from beautiful Cabo San Lucas, Mexico right before gearing up for my Baja retreat coming up. Once this airs, we will be on our way back to rainy Portland. But right now, I'm in sunny Mexico. And I have a fun episode for you today because over the past few days hanging out on the beach, I have been reading The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. And this book has been on my bucket list to read ever since I heard it was coming out. And my amazing partner, Liz, she pre ordered it for me. I got it for Hanukkah, and I plowed through it. And I read through it, and it's underlined and highlighted and all of the things because there are so many golden nuggets in this gem of a book.

Marli Williams [: 00:02:18

And what I thought I would do since the book is actually on back order, and if you try to order it, you can't get it until, like, I think February right now or something like that. So it is in high demand. And I thought I would take some time on the podcast this week to share my thoughts, my insights, my reflections on this book, what it means to me, and how I see it being such a tool of freedom and liberation and empowerment for people. And what I love about Mel Robbins and her work in the world is that she breaks down very complex topics into really tangible tools that all of us can use. And what I hope to share with you today is some of the golden nuggets that I have received from this book, how to even if you don't ever read the book that you this is it's so simple that once you understand the concept of let them, it can literally change your life. So I'm gonna start by reading, the last an excerpt from the last chapter to, like, get me in the zone, get you in the zone, really help you understand the essence of this book. And then I'm going to share, again, like, some insights, some thoughts, some perspectives, like a little, again, like a little book review. We're in a little book club today.

Marli Williams [: 00:03:51

So if you are reading the Let Them Theory, love to know your thoughts about it, your insights, your takeaways, your reflections, all that good stuff. I'm going to just start by saying I'm just again, this is an excerpt from the last chapter. You've been trying to control the uncontrollable, trying to force the world to conform to your expectations. But what if instead, you focused on your own response to whatever the world throws your way? You can't change the weather, but you can change how it impacts you. No matter what happens around you, you decide how it will affect you. It's really that simple. You have the power. This realization is like finally understanding the true nature of the sky.

Marli Williams [: 00:04:42

I love this metaphor. The clouds that once frustrated you are now seen as part of a larger ever-changing masterpiece. The storms that once frightened you are now moments of power and beauty, teaching you resilience and strength. You start to see that the sky's unpredictability is what makes it so magnificent and so endlessly fascinating. Think about that for a moment. The sky will do what it does. Clouds will gather, storms will come, and the sun will shine when it pleases. You can't control it, but you can control how you navigate beneath it.

Marli Williams [: 00:05:21

You can carry an umbrella, you can dance in the rain, you can chase the sun when you need to. The people and situations around you are like the weather. The fact is you can never control other people, how they think, how they act, whether or not they love you, or how fast they check you out at the grocery store. So why on earth would you ever give them the level of control over you that you have been? Why would you ever entrust something as precious as your own confidence, your peace of mind, your happiness, and your dreams to the whims and moods of the people around you? If you don't use let them, you are allowing yourself to be impacted by the worries, actions, insecurities, and opinions of others. If you don't use let me, which I will get to, you are leaving the things you want in life up to chance. So that is a little bit of an excerpt that I wanted to begin with. And what I love about this idea, you know, and I call myself a recovering people pleaser a lot. And I think I'm also a recovering control freak.

Marli Williams [: 00:06:39

Meaning, I think a lot of the suffering in my own life comes from wanting to fix or control other people's feelings, thoughts, reactions, emotions. And that is what I believe causes the most suffering is when we focus on all of these things that are out of our control. Right? Like the weather is not in our control. So if I spend all of my energy trying to change it and fix it, I would drive myself totally nuts. And yet, this is what we do every single day. We want to control other people's reactions, other people's moods, other people like, you know, again, how fast they're going when they're driving, how fast they're making your cup of coffee, like all of these little things day to day that totally drive us crazy that we actually have no control over. And when we do that, when we try when we think we have control over it, and then we complain about it, it actually what it does is it gives our power and our agency away, and we feel powerless. We feel like a victim to our life, to our circumstances, to the world around us, and that's a really disempowering way to operate in the world.

Marli Williams [: 00:08:06

And, again, like, it's I'm causing the suffering. Right. So what I love about this book is it's really an opportunity and an invitation for some true self reflection of like, where am I trying to control other people? Or where am I let down or disappointed when things don't go my way? Or things don't go the way that I wanted them to, or expected them to, or hope that they would? Right. One very clear example for me as a 7 and on the Enneagram, I'm a 7 and I am an Aries and I love to be invited. Everybody out there, just so you know, I love to be invited to a party, to a brunch, on a vacation, to dinner, whatever it is. I love to be invited. I love to be included. And one area where I have gotten upset in the past or hurt in the past is when I see an Instagram post of all of these people that I know out doing something really fun.

Marli Williams [: 00:09:20

And I wasn't invited. I wasn't included. I wasn't asked to be a part of it. And part of the let them theory is "let them". I mean, this is the essence of it is let them not include you. Let them not invite you. Let them have their own experience. And then the second part that not as many people are talking about because it's in the book, which she talks about is "let me".

Marli Williams [: 00:09:49

So let them is letting go of trying to control their actions or their behaviors. And let me is about taking responsibility for what I what I choose to do about that. Let me plan a dinner party and invite my friends over. Let me have a solo date night by myself. What can I do to reclaim agency in that moment and to essentially, like, take my power back? Because when I get bombed, hurt, upset, disappointed, because someone didn't invite me to a thing, that causes me suffering. They're out having the time of their life. And they are allowed to do that. This is the thing.

Marli Williams [: 00:10:33

Let people live their life, do what they're gonna do. We you know, it's like, I am not the center of the universe. I'm not on everybody's mind to invite to a party or an event. And that's okay. It's not their responsibility to invite me or to include me. But, like, let's say, you know, time and time again, this friend or this person isn't inviting me over and over again, then I get to, like, let me decide whether or not I wanna continue to invite them or whether or not I choose to want to be continuing to be friends with them. So that's really the essence of this is how can we take our power back in our life and allow the people around you to do what they're going to do? And for you to choose how you want to respond to that. And there's so many great quotes and excerpts.

Marli Williams [: 00:11:31

And, you know, one of one of the things that they talk about in here is that I have had a struggle with in the past is wanting to rescue other people wanting to fix other people wanting to like, help them, you know, and I think it comes from a good place because when you see someone that you love, struggling or suffering, you don't want them to suffer. But they are adults, and we get to allow them to have their own experience. One of my favorite quotes of all time is, the greatest freedom in life is to allow other people to have their own experience. Meaning, I don't have to change it. I don't have to fix it. And I don't have to rescue. I don't have to heal them. Right? It doesn't give me permission to just go out there, like, and be an asshole.

Marli Williams [: 00:12:32

Like, that's not the point here. But the point is that I get to be true to myself. Right? Say, if on the flip side, let's say I have a party, and I didn't invite somebody, and they are upset with me, or they feel hurt, or they feel excluded, or they feel left out, I get to let them have their own experience. I get to let them have their feelings. Or let's say someone invited me, and I said, I didn't wanna go, or I was busy, And they're bummed, they're hurt, they're upset, they're disappointed. Let them. You don't have to fix other people's feelings. And other people's emotions are not your responsibility.

Marli Williams [: 00:13:17

And so it's like, again, and that is really, really hard for me. One of the hardest things in my life is letting someone else down. Again, being a recovering people pleaser, I just want everybody to be happy and have a good time. And, you know, and I for a long time, again, as a coach, as a speaker, as a facilitator, like, I want everybody to like me and everyone to have an amazing time or review or have a transformational experience. And what I've had to learn to do is I get to let them have whatever experience they're meant to have. Meaning, my job is to show up and play full out and be the best version of me and allow other people to have their own experience. So often we're wanting to control, we're wanting to manage other people's experience. And that's not your job.

Marli Williams [: 00:14:16

And that is why so many of us are burned out, tired, exhausted, overwhelmed, depleted because we're trying to control everything. This book gives you permission to let things go that you can't actually control and that aren't your responsibility to control. When you care about people or when you care about your work in the world, you care about your friends, your family. I think we carry so much weight of other people's feelings, other people's disappointment. You know, I think one of the hardest things in my life has been, you know, when I and I have found myself in a relationship that's no longer working for me. To disappoint another to be true to myself has been one of the biggest challenges in my life because they're hurting, they're sad, they're mad at me. And all I wanna do is fix it. I wanna make it better because I don't wanna see someone that I care about suffer.

Marli Williams [: 00:15:21

So I'm not saying and the the thing about this book is that it sounds simple and it sounds really easy, but it and it may be simple, but it might not be as easy to actually implement in your life. Right? And again, I'm reading this book. I'm in Cabo. I'm with my family. They're not always the easiest people to be around. I love them with all of my heart. And we have different experiences of the world, and I have to let them. And it is way easier said than done, my friends.

Marli Williams [: 00:15:59

So while I am loving this book, I might have to reread it again and again and again to remind me that I'm not responsible for other people. And to be honest, I think I grew up in a family where I felt like I had to be responsible for other people's emotions and like regulating their energy and their nervous system and making sure everyone was okay. So it's really unlike this, this, there's this unlearning that has to take place. And reminding myself to, like, that is not my responsibility, and I don't have to fix it. And I don't have to, you know, worry about other people. That's not my job. That's not my job. Again, easier said than done.

Marli Williams [: 00:16:48

So there was some really good stuff in here about, you know, sometimes in life, we have people that we know could be they could be doing better, or we want them. We want to help them. I think it comes from a good place. We want to help people be better or like, lose the weight or work out more or be happier or whatever it is. So she has some really good golden nuggets in here about motivating other people to change. She says, one of the most common questions that I've been asked over the years is how do I motivate someone else to change? You can't. The reality is people only change when they feel like changing. It doesn't matter how much you want someone to change, it doesn't matter how valid your reasons are, or that you are right in your opinion that they should change, or how big the consequences are if they don't change.

Marli Williams [: 00:17:45

If someone doesn't feel like changing, they won't. And worse, when you pressure someone to change, it just creates more tension, resentment, and distance in your relationships. So she says, the truth number 1 is adults only change when they feel like it. Right? So I think as much as we want other people to change, that is not up to us. We're not in control of that. Right? And she says, choose number 2, is human beings are wired to move towards what feels good. The thing about it is that change is hard. Our brains are wired to want to keep us exactly where we are.

Marli Williams [: 00:18:28

So even if it's a positive change, like losing weight or being more active or making more money or saving or whatever it is, our brains are hardwired to keep us exactly where we are because that's what it it that's what it's comfortable with. That's what feels safe. And we're wired to move towards what feels good. Right? So if what feels good in the moment is eating that bag of chips instead of working out, that is going to be our tendency. So she has a really, really great, what is it called? A framework. That is the word that I was looking for. She has a great framework that you can apply in with the people in your life. I mean, if you're listening to this podcast, I'm guessing you are growth oriented.

Marli Williams [: 00:19:20

You're open to the learning and growing. That's why you're listening to this podcast. Right? And we might want you know, we want to be a positive influence on the people around you. So what she does say, while we can't motivate other people to change, we can unlock the power of our influence on other people. So she talks about what she calls the ABC loop, which is a tool that she created, which has 3 steps. A is apologize, then ask open ended question. So it's kind of a 2 parter. Apologize and ask open ended questions.

Marli Williams [: 00:20:01

That's a. B is back off. Back off and observe their behavior. Okay. That's b. And c is celebrate progress while you continue to model the change. So she goes through these in-depth. I'm not going to go through it all the way here or like in in as much depth as she does in the book.

Marli Williams [: 00:20:29

But I will go through this a little bit. The first one that I really liked, or like the first step, the prep work that she calls it, is she talks about the 5 whys. Right? So when you think about someone in your life, who is driving you crazy, or doing something that annoys you, or you want to help them change, the invitation is to ask yourself why it bothers you so much. Right? So the 5 why method, ask yourself, why does this person's behavior or situation bother me so much? Think about it again and write or say your answer. And then ask it again, why does that bother you? And then again, why does that bother you? And then again, why does that bother you? And then a final time, why does that bother you? So you ask it 5 different times. Okay? It really helps you get to the root of why that is impacting you so much. Like, it's like, why is this other person's actions or behaviors driving me crazy? And it might be something that you choose to share with them, or it might be something that helps you understand why you feel the way that you feel. So step 1 or step a, that's like the prep work is the 5 whys.

Marli Williams [: 00:21:59

Right? The first step is to apologize. And so what she said about that, she gives an example. The best way to start this conversation is to apologize. You could say something like, I want to apologize for judging judging and pressuring you. And I realized I've never asked you how you feel about your blank. Health, grades, job search, being single, living situation, marriage, drinking, finances. Starting with an apology sets the tone for a compassionate and supportive conversation. Really listen, lean in, and try to learn about how this person feels about the issue.

Marli Williams [: 00:22:42

Right? How are something like how are you so you apologize for judging them or pressuring them in some way. And then you ask 1st apologize and ask, how are you feeling about your health right now? How are you feeling about your marriage right now? How are you feeling about your life right now? And then you just reflect back. So it sounds like you're feeling okay about your health. What makes you feel okay about it? The asking process is really it's a process called motivational interviewing, where instead of telling someone else what to do, you're just asking them open ended questions about their experience in a curious nonjudgmental way. Right? So you're not asking it from this, like, really judgy place. You're just being curious. Right? So that is the first one. Right? So this conversation is a critical component for awakening awakening their motivation to change.

Marli Williams [: 00:23:38

So let them talk and then let me listen. Right? Or let you listen. That b is to back off and observe their behavior. Now that you've apologized for your behavior and ask them the open ended questions, you have to back off and stop pressuring them. Don't expect them to launch into action. They're going to need to marinate on it. This is why it's also crucial to model the change to make it look easy and fun while you give them the freedom to figure it out for themselves. Right? So this is where you get to model the type of behavior that you wanna see without expecting them to change or do it with you or for you.

Marli Williams [: 00:24:24

Because people are only going to change for themselves. All you can do after you've you've asked the open ended questions is to observe the behavior and stop yourself from trying to change it. If you are seeing them change, amazing. If not, let them be. This takes time. And then step c is to celebrate progress while you continue to model change. Once you've asked the open ended questions and you've backed off while continuing to model the behavior change, you have to celebrate any progress you see. Whenever they make the smallest move, celebrate it.

Marli Williams [: 00:25:02

Right? Do you want to celebrate any positive change that you see? People wanna be appreciated. They wanna be acknowledged for the work that they're putting in and the things that they're doing. So that was, I thought, a really, really powerful framework for thinking about how can I help the people in my life by apologizing for judging them, asking them questions to help them find that internal motivation to change, because that's where the the desire to change comes from? And how can we be a positive influence on the people around us? Maybe, you know, it's like you're the one who wakes up early and works out or goes to the gym or you're cooking healthier foods or whatever it is that maybe you're wanting the people around you to also do. Can't ask people to do something that we're also not open or willing to do for ourselves. So those were some big golden nuggets and takeaways for me from this book. I mean, it's I think just the concept is so so powerful. And again, I think we need both pieces of the equation. We need the let them part.

Marli Williams [: 00:26:17

We need to let people have their own experience. And we need the let me part, which is the power which she calls the power move. Right? But what she says is the theory only works if you say both parts. When you say let them, you make a conscious decision not to allow other people behavior to bother you. When you say let me, you take responsibility for what you do next. What I love about let me is that it immediately shows you what you can control. And there's so much you can control, your attitude, your behavior, your values, your needs, your desires, and what you want to do in response to what just happened. It's the opposite of judgment.

Marli Williams [: 00:27:08

Let me is all about self awareness, compassion, empowerment, and personal responsibility. Right? So that is that's the crux of the let them theory is let them and let me. So as we wrap for our little book review, book reading for today, I am going to read an excerpt from the last little bit here in the last chapter. Alright. I'm gonna read this whole part because I think it's so good. Every day that you allow your fear of somebody else's opinion, stress over friendships, or concern about how someone will react to prevent you from making the phone call, filling out the application, working on the business plan, starting the diet, or putting in the effort, you're holding yourself back. You're robbing yourself of your potential. You're standing still while life moves on around you.

Marli Williams [: 00:28:10

Stop wasting your brain space on the 1,000,000 tiny things that don't matter. It's time to use every second of your day for all the amazing things that you know you're capable of. Stop letting the fear of what people might think paralyze you. It's time to go after your dreams boldly, relentlessly, and unapologetically. Stop tiptoeing around everyone else's emotions. It's time to fiercely protect your own peace. Stop letting other people's success devastate you. It's time to get to work.

Marli Williams [: 00:28:43

Stop making your social life everyone else's responsibility. It's time to build the most incredible friendships you've ever had. Stop trying to change people who don't want to change. It's time to let adults be adults. Stop trying to rescue those who are struggling. It's time to let others heal how they need to heal. Stop wasting your time trying to get people to love you. It's time to choose the love you deserve.

Marli Williams [: 00:29:09

It's finally time to reclaim your power and reclaim your life. The let them theory is your key to taking back your power. You can have the life you've always wanted. The question is, will you let yourself do it? Because no one else can stop you. The most important part of the let them theory is understanding that you are responsible for your own happiness. You are responsible for the energy you bring and how you show up. You are responsible for waking up every day and doing the work to make progress on what matters most. You are responsible for defining what matters to you.

Marli Williams [: 00:29:49

You're responsible for telling the truth even when it's really hard. You are responsible for paying for your life. Nobody owes you anything, but you owe yourself everything. If you're not where you wanna be, the great news is it's all your fault. The even better news is the second you decide to, you can change it. This realization is not a condemnation. It is a liberation. Isn't it incredible to know that others can't affect you? Isn't it liberating to know that they can say and do whatever they want? They can make fun, doubt, be the most successful person on the planet, and you remain unbothered.

Marli Williams [: 00:30:28

Not sound great. How amazing is it that you get to be in control of what you think, what you say and what you do? How unbelievable is it that you get to choose where you put your time and energy and what you say yes to and what you say no to? Taking back your power means reclaiming responsibility for your life. It means demanding more of yourself because time is ticking and you've wasted enough of it worrying about things that don't matter. It means being laser focused on the things you can control, and not giving a single second to the things you can't. Think of the sky once more. No matter what it brings, no matter how it changes, you are the one who gets to decide how to navigate beneath it. You are the one who gets to choose how to respond, how to act, how to live. The clouds, the storms, the sunshine, they all have their place, but they do not define you.

Marli Williams [: 00:31:19

You define you. I'm not gonna lie to you. It won't be easy. It's not like the second you start saying let them, you get everything you've ever wanted. Anyone who promises you that is lying to you. But the second you take your power back, you can take comfort in the knowledge that it's just a matter of time. The career, the partner, the friends, the body, the goals, they are now all in your control. Now that we're here, I'm so incredibly excited to personally welcome you to your let me era.

Marli Williams [: 00:31:50

Let me get started. Let me take a risk. Let me write a book. Let me be honest about what I want. Let me get in the best shape of my life. Let me apply for the dream job. Let me stop giving love to people who don't want me back. Let me create a better life, a life that makes me proud, a life that makes me happy, A life where I use my precious energy to enjoy every single moment I will have.

Marli Williams [: 00:32:15

All it takes is 2 simple words, let me and let them. Right? I guess that's 4 simple words. Both of them. Both of them are very important. So I highly, highly, highly recommend the let them theory by Mel Robbins. The title is very true or the subtitle, it says, a life changing tool that millions of people can't stop talking about. And, again, I love the simplicity of that of the concept of the idea. And just because it's simple does not mean it's easy.

Marli Williams [: 00:32:50

I think we are live in a world, a society, and a culture where it's very easy to judge ourselves. It's easy to judge other people. It's easy to wanna be in control of things we're not in control over. And, again, I think that this tool is such a opportunity to feel liberated and empowered in our own lives and know that we get to have a say in what we give our power to. And the let them theory, I think for me, is my invitation to stop giving my power away to other people. And to see it every every tool that I get, you know, as someone who is personal development geek, it's one thing to intellectually understand it, and it's another thing to integrate it and apply it in my life. By no means am I perfect, but I do really love this concept, And it is something that I'm going to take with me into my life as a partner, as a daughter, as an entrepreneur, as a business owner. And I hope that you got some golden nuggets from this book that you can apply in your own life, whether you choose to read the book or not.

Marli Williams [: 00:34:02

I mean, I highly recommend checking it out. I think you can just download it on Audible or even your Spotify premium. Maybe it's available there as well if you wanna listen to it, Order your own copy to arrive whenever it may arrive. Alright, my friends. Sending you lots of love from beautiful Mexico, and I hope that I love to hear again, if you've read this book, I would love to hear your big takeaways, your golden nuggets, how you're integrating it into your life. And I cannot wait to see you next time. Talk to you next time on the podcast. Until then, take care.

Marli Williams [: 00:34:44

Peace. Thank you for joining us on another inspiring episode of the Marli Williams podcast. We hope you're leaving here with renewed energy and valuable insights to fuel your leadership, coaching, and speaking endeavors. I'd love to invite you to subscribe, rate, and review this podcast to help us reach more aspiring leaders and speakers like you. We have more exciting episodes and remarkable guests lined up, so make sure to tune in next time. Until then, keep leading with purpose, coaching with heart, and speaking with conviction. This is Marli Williams signing off. See you next week.